triflesandparsnips: This morning my daughter, who is nearly four, saw the stretch marks on my hips and stomach. She ran her hands over them and asked what they were. “I got them when I grew up,” I said, “and a few more when I had you.” I grinned down at her. “They’re my stripes. You’ll get stripes too when you grow up.” She was overjoyed. “Really?” I think she’s in her room now, pretending to...
pontmercyanide: some flowers just arrived for my sister but my mom thought they were for me. and so she asked if they were from henry and of course i asked what the hell she was talking about and she was like “henry, the boy you’re always talking about.” she meant henry david thoreau. i quote henry david thoreau so much my mom thought henry david thoreau was my boyfriend
shegsybellsshegsybells: emmagraceful: so my baby nephew just pointed at the wireless router and said “what dat emmie?” and I said “that’s the internet!” because I didn’t really know how to explain it and then he kissed it the child is the chosen one
dweebscar: dweebscar: what if giraffes lived underwater what a majestic creature
irisowl: So I walked into the dentist this morning. My dentist asked me how my weekend was. I said “Good, I watched Captain America last night. I really liked it.” And my dentist says “Oh, my son is in that movie.” At first I thought he was joking but then I realized Dr. Robert Evans I looked it up My dentist is Captain America’s dad
goddammitfenton: if you ever feel bad about yourself, just remember this one time in my english class, we were writing horror stories and one of the girls wrote “it was friday the 13th, the night before halloween” for her opening sentence